Growing a relationship to oneself, that deep connection is extremely powerful. But just like any other relationship it can get rough and difficult. My greatest obstacle in growing and nurturing that relationship to myself is the fear of judgment. But rather than wondering what kind of judgement that might be, the real question is: Who is Judging Whom?
For so long, I have been seeking something that lights me up on the inside, something that serves me with purpose and passion, something that keeps me moving forward and aiming for more. And to some extent, I have found that something. What that something is? At first, I thought it was Yoga, Meditation,… but it so much more than that. A relationship that I have finally started to prioritize and focus on. A relationship to myself.
Most Important of it all is Courage
What I am now realizing is that this relationship, just like any other relationship, is hard. It is not just a lot of work, it takes time, patience, attentiveness and most important of it all, it takes courage! Sometimes even more courage than I think is possible for me. Why? Because once I started to feel and nurture that connection to myself, actively choosing to be me, to stop trying to fit in… Once that has happened, it gets harder and harder to disregard it again. I learned to listen to myself instead of blindly overlooking what my inner Self is telling me. I could begin to see what and who made me feel good and lifts me up. And more so, I could also begin to identify what or who does not. All I now needed to do, was finding the courage to make the right kind of decisions. Easier said than done…
Who is Judging Whom?
What was so difficult about making decisions? Making decisions in favor of myself, my health, personal wealth and energy balance? The fear of what might stand on the other side of the decision: mis-judgement.
One question that I couldn’t make my way around any longer was then, who actually was judging me? Was it really the judgement of others I feared? Or maybe, just maybe, was it my own judgement that I feared? Judging myself because I knew what I want (or not want) but do not stand up for myself, do not make use of that choice given to me? Judging myself because I want something different than most of the people around me? Why would I complicate things for myself? Why would I choose a path that from the outside already looks a little more rough and difficult? Couldn’t I just fit in and somehow settle for what so many people around me obviously enjoy doing?
I am now thinking that maybe with a little more acceptance and tolerance toward myself I could try to let go of that fear of being mis-judged. Maybe it makes a whole lot of difference if I stop questioning, doubting myself for knowing what I want and actually going through with it. At least it is worth a try….
I want to thank Sarah for pushing me into the right direction, making me think and reflect on what it really is, that is troubling me.